i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
