I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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