You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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