I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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