Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So much Jack, so little girl.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
