hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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