I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
