this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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