Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
