I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
