whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
