I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
