I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
