Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
