youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Omg I joined a choir last night...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
