and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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