It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
