I got chris browned last night
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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