I showed him my bush... on skype.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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