Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
