I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
wow bdsm is so cute
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
