does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
