My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it hurts more in the daytime
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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