i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
