I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
