I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
