Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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