Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
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You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
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I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.