oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.