So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
