Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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