Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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