so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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