Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
