i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
