I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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