Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
