I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
