i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
