My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
