you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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