my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well I just put wine in my tea
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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