So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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