everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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