In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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