there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
