I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
