My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
