During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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