Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
