Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
