Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
