When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
