Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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