tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
