you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
